So I was watching youtubes of Indian comedians and thought I could do better than them, so I’ve been up all night working on a stand-up comedy routine for an Indian audience (a Delhi audience specifically). What the fuck is wrong with me?
It’s totally hammy, but I figure I need to win a few hearts first before I expose the dark depths of my neuroses. Now that I’m obviously moving to India to become a comedian I need to think long term.
Maybe you can tell from my appearance that I’m not from around here. I’m actually from Kochi…
Ha, no, I’ve just moved to Kerala from Melbourne. But I’ve only been there a couple of weeks and I’ve already got an uncle working in the Gulf.
So I’m a writer, I write about politics. So will be coming up to Delhi a lot. Primarily for the politics, but also because I’m hungry. I mean, the food down in Kerala is good for my waistline, but not so good for my satisfaction. Obviously, Mother Nature invented food, but Punjabis perfected it.
[whoops from the crowd]
Ha, I was counting on a significant Punjabi presence here tonight. I figure it’s my first set so I’m allowed to pander to the audience a little. I’ll be bring out a load of Pakistani jokes later on.
That said, Punjabis are the true global people, so everyone now realises that Punjabis perfected food. You can’t go anywhere in the world without coming across Punjabis. You know there’s that joke about Toronto being the second Sikh holy city? Sardars go on their first pilgrimage to the Golden Temple, and then their second to the CN Tower. In fact the Akalis have actually given up trying to form Khalistan in the Punjab, and are going to carve it out of Ontario instead.
Punjabis are so good getting everywhere that they even go places that no-one else would think of going. Have you noticed this guy Sikandar Raza playing in the Zimbabwean cricket team now? He’s from Sialkot in Pakistan. After he finished school in Sialkot he went to study in the UK. During that time his parents moved to Zimbabwe, and then he followed them.
Now think about that for a minute. Who the fuck would move to Zimbabwe?
You have a collapsed economy, hyperinflation, crumbling infrastructure, an authoritarian dictator who has the police kick the shit out of any opposition supporters, including the opposition leader. But these Punjabis decided “Oh well, at least it’s better than Pakistan…”
Ha, see I told you I was going to be pandering to you guys!
At first I thought it was too easy. But then I decided, fuck it, I want the laughs, I’m just going to feed their prejudices. I’ve been working on Shoaib Akhtar jokes, Musharraf jokes, Taliban jokes, even Jinnah jokes!
Although I’m not dumb enough to have any Kashmir jokes. Don’t want the UP police knocking on my door trying to charge me with treason.
And I thought if none of that went down well, I’d just go lowest common denominator and find a bunch of different ways to call Inzamam “aloo”.
The rest is a work in progress, but I think that’s a solid start.